July rant

We try to better ourselves and fill our lives with the things that we value. Those spiritual pursuits, however, have a way of changing us. We realize we are imperfect creatures with layers of awkward and uncomfortable shit in our lives to deal with. We know we want to do something meaningful with our lives and can’t possibly imagine how we can still be considered wise enough to counsel others when there’s so much of this personal, inner turmoil.  But that’s exactly when we know that we are doing what we’re supposed to do. There’s no such thing as perfection. The imperfect know what its like, because they are living the journey of self-mastery.

And this is why I identify so closely with the underdog, the strange and unusual. The people who were cast out of paradise long ago because they move to the beat of a different drum. I identify very well with it. I’m not looking to find a safe place, just a place to call my own. Its late July and all I have is this rant. But its more than I have written in a while. So for that I am grateful.

Updates for June

My writing has slowed down a bit. I have spent the last couple months focusing on Pagan picnic, my Witchcraft II studies , and trying to focus on daily devotionals, and everyday life. Pagan picnic was a very exciting time for me. I gave two workshops at this year’s picnic, on Otherkin and Psychic Vampirism. It was nice to be in a public space talking to other people about these things. They are very much a part of my life, and have been for a long time, even if I haven’t been active in these communities in so long.

The rest of my time has been spent getting ready for Midsummer, preparing a ritual for Spirit’s Edge, and a salon discussion.  Writing the discussion for midsummer has drawn my focus back towards the tuatha and the aes sidhe.  The focus of my spirituality is tied to the spirits and gods of Norse and Celtic mythology. And for midsummer I am turning back towards the celtic (irish and welsh) gods and spirits.

Ostara and recent updates

This Ostara was an extraordinary opportunity. I wrote and led my very first group ritual. It was in the spirit of Northern Tradition and called upon the Norse gods. It also included a sumbel, which really amplified the feeling of ritual as a communal gathering of people. It was a very connective and powerful experience. Someone told me beforehand that it would be a wonderful experience because I was “born” to do this kind of work. I have been feeling a very strong pull in this direction for a long time, and writing/performing ritual feels very natural to me. Afterwards, everyone who attended had something to say about how it touched them on a personal level. Its nice to know that I can help connect other people with meaningful experiences.

It seems as spring has returned, so many new opportunities are arriving in my life, each of them filled with far greater expressions and chances to do things I might not have considered before. Two weeks before Ostara I led a discussion on ‘the sacrificed god’, and then alongside Ostara ritual, also led a discussion on Ostara.  I have submitted a few proposals for workshops I would like to run at Pagan Picnic this year, and as soon as it is approved I will begin writing those. Also beginning to plan for Midsummer. Hoping to get the chance to vacation and attend a troth event up in Canada this summer. We will see how things develop between now and then.

Opportunities come knocking

Last month was especially difficult. It was the middle of a hard winter, and a very close friend of mine went home to her concept of the divine after a long battle with cancer. Other things have come up since then and I wanted to write about so many things, but I write what I can in the time I have. I came out of a meditation one day feeling like this was going to be one of those deeply transformational times in my life, but also in the lives of others. An old adage says that opportunities come knocking when the time is right. Recently I lost a friend, and virtually at the time of the black moon I gained a deeper relationship with a current friend of mine.

I am on a cycle of returns. Where I walk in my path these days, I see myself returning to places I have been, subjects I have studied before, and now I see them in a new, yet renewed light. One of these areas concerns subjects like psychic vampirism and otherkin. In my twenties this part of my life was lit brightly while my magic kind of waned. I had no idea then how I would have ever integrated the different parts of my life. And just like that an opportunity came knocking. Someone who recently joined a group I am a member of, had serious questions about psychic vampirism and I found myself thoughtfully searching my own past for those replies. Before I knew it I was thinking about writing on these topics again. Things I had not considered in over a decade. And my reasons for leaving those communities were valid ones. I was bored. That doesn’t sound very valid, but it is. I didn’t like the direction I saw things moving in, and rather than sacrifice my true feelings and reasons for pursuing the subject as I had, I just quit, and focused on other areas of my life. But like with all things grand and bigger than ourselves, when it is a strong connection, it calls us back.

In the near future I plan to write some articles on the subject. The basis of this is to provide a resource for others who are looking for introductory information. If it develops into something bigger, then that would be awesome.

Samhain, ancestors and the Gods

Samhain came and passed with an incredible feeling I haven’t felt in years. Nothing at all. There was no terrible fear that wrenched me at my core, like I had experienced so many times before. For Samhain ritual with the group that I support, I had drawn up a series of art cards, each with visual concepts of the predominant stories, legends and energies at this time of the year.

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Many of the Welsh symbols and stories had come to me at this time as well, and in particular those of the lords of Annwn who lead the wild hunt. Never before had the spirits and deities that I attract ever been so straightforward or so simple to me, in a way that it made sense. I long understood the Norse connections. They have always been there. But for the Welsh gods, I was very confused.  One of the predominant themes that the spirits have driven home to my mind have addressed ancestral connections to geographic locations, and to the old gods of those regions. And my strongest link via ancestry inevitably ties me to the landscape of England, though I have never been there.  The truly amazing revelation was when I realized that some of the ones who have come to me at this time, I had dreamt about nearly 12 yrs ago. The same ones were trying to teach me the same things then, the only difference is now I am listening, and now I am ready to walk those paths. It is said there is a time and place for everything.

I have always kept journals that record these things – dreams, waking visions, and other things, and periodically I need to go through what I call work journals, because they’re an amalgamated mass of things all muddled together. And maybe I’m a bit too structured for such disarray, but if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’ll realize what an amazing paradox that is. And many of the recent records capture information about experiences where specific deities have been popping up a lot. I will search within most of the time to see what lessons they are trying to teach me at that moment.

Among the Norse gods, I am experiencing a heavy pull towards the Rokkr, what are known as the giants or primordial ones. And given my history with gods and goddesses of Chaos, that makes perfect sense.  I continue to walk a heathen path, one where the Norse and Welsh gods are predominant, alongside ancestors and nature spirits. One of the things I have always loved dearly about the Norse gods (and this is based on a longer tour of duty with them, as I have worked with them for longer), is that my experiences have taught me that many of them are very supportive to the people who honor them (whether they are blood related or not), and who are strong in heart and soul. And if you are one of those people and you break down, they will absolutely be there for you.

A one-year journey in public ritual

Mabon marked a one year journey. It was this time last year that my family began attending ritual with a local group that had begun its own. It was a wonderful experience to be able to have included my son in ritual during this time, and with the approach of this Mabon we will be celebrating his second birthday. Also, it has been a harrowing experience for me. I have witnessed many changes within myself, primarily associated with the direction in which I find myself walking. During that time I have taken on greater roles in ritual. I have also taken on greater roles outside of ritual, both in my own personal journeys and in my relationships with others, reaching out to friends and making myself available to assist others in need.
My own journeys have led me into deeper realms of Norse and Welsh spirituality, and also deeper elements of my own mediumship and seership. Shamanism has taken on a decidedly important role. The divine feminine has manifested itself in many different ways throughout the past several years, and has shown me that there is a necessity to understand and utilize its messages and imagery in our world. This has made itself apparent in my writings and in my illustrations. It has also manifested itself as a strong link between my spirituality and my professional vocation (historical research).
One of the most earth-shaking experiences I have garnered from my work with others in public ritual has been how it has opened up all of my senses to the concept of community and support. On the anniversary of when I began my work with Spirit’s Edge, last night I found myself sitting and really listening to people for what feels like the very first time. Not only to what other people are saying about their own experiences, but what they aren’t saying. It reminds me of some of the things that my father taught me about observing others in their element, and in the general environment. He was a student of nature, and in many ways I have also followed in his footsteps.
Recently I have been feeling a very strong calling to continue to explore my studies in witchcraft and also to take it to the next level. For years I have had people tell me that they felt I would make a very good teacher, and the last month or so has found me surrounded with spirits, guides and gods who have made it very clear that it is time for me to pursue an in depth study of what it truly means to serve the greater community as a walker between the worlds. The time I have spent engaged in ritual has taught me that what I want more than anything is to help other people. Being called to ferry messages between the dead and the living is only a small part of this experience. And not all of the work and interactions between people happens here on the physical plane, but that it happens across many dimensions.

A voice, and a shoulder to lean on

In a conversation with a friend of mine earlier, she revealed to me that she really is as green as it gets to witchcraft and paganism, and is without a teacher or guide. She has resources, but what she really needs is someone to talk to, who has been through some of the same things. And this conversation got me thinking about my own past. I was in a similar place 16 years ago. And I began to wonder if I have completely lost that frame of reference, or if I have enough experience to be able to relate to her thoughts and concerns here in 2013. I wouldn’t ever consider giving advice to anyone that I wasn’t willing to take, if it were given to me.

I wonder if things would have been any different, had I had someone I could have talked to, when I was in her shoes. The truth is I did, but they appeared at different points in my life. I tell other people that the first time I began studying witchcraft was in my teens, but in reality it wasn’t. It happened that when I was eight, my brother’s then girlfriend used to take me with her to the local botanicas for supplies. She gave me some of my first crystals. I was very much into them then and it was with one of them that I cast my very first spell. And then it was at 16 that I was re-introduced to witchcraft through some school-mates.

It is a very different thing trying to find your own way while living under your parents’ roof, than it is as an adult. When I began it was a journey that was my own, and in some ways I knew it didn’t really matter what anyone else thought. I also knew that if I wanted to pursue it, I couldn’t share it with my family. It later turned out that I was right, as it was an unspoken point of contention that could never be voiced or explained well enough to take the sting out of the delivery. I see this friend of mine is in a unique position, without any parental constraints. She can go in any direction she likes, but I sense she’s looking for a common frame of reference; examples of experience from others. Its an independent path, and not an easy one when you first reach the precipice and find before you a multitude of paths and directions.

My instincts tell me that a lot can be gained by talking with her, and listening to what it is she is looking for on this road to her own self-discovery. And I shall certainly strive to help her in any way that I can.

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